


Steven Gets Coronavirus

by theunpleasantpheasant



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: American Politics, Angst, Coronavirus, Crossover, Drug Use, Everybody Dies, Funny, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Intentionally Bad Spelling & Grammar, No Sex, Pandemics, Parody, Poorly written on purpose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:15:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23377504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theunpleasantpheasant/pseuds/theunpleasantpheasant
Summary: Steven Universe keeps turning pink and having emotional outbursts. As it turns out, this may be symptomatic of something far more sinister...
Comments: 8
Kudos: 24





	1. SRSD (Steven Refuses Social Distancing)

**Author's Note:**

> This was the product of intense boredom during quarantine and is not meant to mock a global crisis. It is, however, meant to have extremely poor writing. Enjoy and remember to wash your hands.

Once upon time, Steven Universe, the 16-year-old savior of humankind and current 4chan user, was walking along the beach in Beach City, the place that the beach was named after. It was neither morning nor afternoon, so our hero utilized his quick intellect to deduce that it must be nighttime. This was supported by the fact that the sky was black with some stars in it and that his Apple iPhone™ said that it was 10:30 PM exactly. But then something happened that made Steven get off his damn phone (which all the gen z kids should be doing). He saw that his house was all lit up and decked out like crazy. There was beams of light shooting out of the windows in a strobe pattern, suggesting perhaps that this was the work of a disco ball, and then there was that weird ball thing with plants in it that looks like the thing at Disneyworld™, and that was also lit up in a similar fashion. This could only mean one thing: Someone, and possibly multiple people, was getting turnt. 

“Now that I’ve saved the universe,” said Steven Universe bigly, “I CAN FINALLY PARTY!” But after he said this, it dawned upon him like the dawn dawns upon the day that he had had a dream exactly like this and it ended with him getting vibe checked like a little bitch, so he pinched himself to make sure he was awake. This was painful but it did not make him wake up. Steven utilized his quick intellect to deduce that he must be awake. Then he said “yeah, woohoo” quite loudly and ran up to the house, climbing the stairs in order to get there. 

Inside, people were doing some crazy shit. Garnet was making out with herself, Amethyst was doing cocaine, and Pearl was doing a jigsaw puzzle. Also Lars and the offcolors were there and the big caterpillar girl was twerking very slowly, causing a small earthquake. The cool kids were there too, such as Jenny, Sour Cream, and the one who looks like Garnet. At first Steven was happy to see his friends who had previously abandoned him. But then he saw that Ronaldo was there. “Fuck,” Steven muttered, “I hope this isn’t a Ronaldo episode.” Luckily Ronaldo tripped on a loose floorboard, his head exploded, and everybody cheered. Ronaldo was finally dead. 

Steven put his hand on the door, suggesting that he was about to open it. Amethyst saw him doing this through the window. “Steven, come do this cocaine with me,” she said, her darkly hued orbs (not including her breasts) peering towards him. “No,” Steven answered. “Gems are immune to it,” Amethyst said. “I’m just doing it because cocaine actually tastes really good. Most people don’t tell you that.” “Ok,” Steven said.

As it turned out, he was not immune to cocaine and got rather inebriated. This was much to the delight of the party guests, because Steven had been acting unpleasantly towards them for the past few episodes. They played Pictionary and Mario Party 8 (the last good one) and 1-2 Switch (because that was all Steven had for his Switch) and had a great time, and then they all fused together for good measure. The fusion looked curiously like Peter Griffin from the series Family Guy™ except it was the size of the Empire State Building. 


	2. The Morning After

Steven woke up. It was neither afternoon nor evening, so he used his quick intellect to determine that it was morning. “Holy shit,” Steven said angrily. “My head feels like it got its gem removed by White Diamond.” Steven was in the bed that was in his room. “What happened last night?” With one mighty leap, he used his floating powers to float down to the kitchen where Amethyst was gnawing on the microwave.

“Amethyst, do you know what happened last night?” Steven asked, poignantly. “We did cocaine,” answered Amethyst, her darkly hued orbs bloodshot with the cocaine from the previous night. “WHAT?!?!?! That’s ILLEGAL!” angrily said Steven. “This is beach city, dude,” said Amethyst. “There ain’t no cops here, dawg.” Then Pearl came in the door angrily and yelled “what is all this mess? You ordered twelve pizzas and ate two of them, then you cut the rest into slices and put them in the BATHTUB?? And Steven, you pissed everywhere! I have to get the cleaning spray from the cleaning room, which only just materialized into the temple because of what you did last night. Not to mention you took the picture of Rose and wrote something I don’t even want to say out loud.”

Suddenly Steven was overcome by a mysterious feeling he had never felt before. “Shut the FUCK UP you ANNOYING BITCH!!!” he said, turning pink. His head also got bigger, as did his fists. His heart grew three sizes just like the Grinch. He also generated a small explosion which destroyed the TV and busted the microwave, which also busted Amethyst’s whitely hued teeth because she was gnawing on it.

“Oh my god Amethyst I’m so sorry,” apologized Steven, turning back to his normal Caucasian hue.

“It’s no Biggie,” said Amethyst. “Now I can finally get some grills put in.” 

“Steven what did you just do?!” screamed Pearl, momly. “You just turned pink and called me some VERY rude names!” 

“Oh really? I hadn’t noticed,” joked Steven meanly, turning pink again.

“You’re doing it again!!!” Pearl said, making the same face that she made in the episode where she got locked in the house with onion.

Suddenly Garnet warped in. “All of you shut the fuck up,” she said. “I saw all of this with the future vision. Steven, apologize to pearl right now.

“No.”

“OK. Pearl, go back to your corner.”

“Ok,” said Pearl, leaving.

“And Amethyst, you go to the teeth store and get some new grills. This is between myself and Steven.” 

“Ok,” said Amethyst, leaving. 

Garnet sat on the table across from Steven. She crossed her arms and then crossed her legs to show she was serious. “Steven, these pink outbursts are getting out of hand,” she said, seriously.

“IT’S NOT…… AN OUTBURST!” Steven said. He also turned pink and pissed everywhere when he said it.

“This is what I’m talking about,” observed Garnet. “It would be okay if you were just pissing everywhere, because it be like that sometimes.” 

“Word,” said Amethyst, who was watching. 

“The problem is that you’ve been turning pink and having emotional outbursts. I used my futurevision to see the news and it turns out that those are both symptoms of the… CoronaVirus.”

“What do you mean you used your futurevision to see the news?” said Steven. “We have a television that cost a lot of money.” 

“That’s not the point,” said Garnet.

“We have these appliances for a reason,” said Steven. “I’m also the only one who uses the toaster,” and he turned pink again.

“That’s not true. I also use the toaster sometimes. What I’m trying to say is that you might have CoronaVirus.” 

“Shit,” said Steven. “There’s no way.” But he knew in his heart there was a way, because he was supposed to be social distancing and he went to the party anyway.

“We’d better go see the president. He can give us more information,” said Garnet.

“Oh, can I come?” requested Amethyst. “I voted for him.”

“We all did,” said Steven. “It doesn’t make you special. In fact, 52% of white women voted for trump. This is a real statistic.” 

“I’m not white or a woman,” said Amethyst.

“Fine, you can come with us.”

They all went to the galaxy warp and used the warp pad that leads directly to the oval office.


	3. Playing the Trump Card

President Donald Trump was making the OK sign with his right hand. “Welcome back, steven. How’s my tremendous boy doing?””

“It’s great as always to see you, Mr. president,” said Steven. “But we think I might have CoronaVirus. Can you tell us more about it?”

“Well, I think the American people are doing very well with coronavirus right now. We have more people infected with coronavirus than at any other time in history. You know, people ask me, they ask me, ‘Mr. Trump, how are we getting this many people infected?’ and I say to them, it’s because we’re winning again. You know, back when Obama was president, nobody. was. infected. We had jobs leaving this country, tremendously. We had people pouring across the border and we had radical Islam-- which Obama wouldn’t even mention-- terrorizing our brave American soldiers. I said no, we’re not gonna do that anymore, and we did something, and we did it tremendously, that has never been done before in the history of America,” Trump said. 

Steven, Garnet, and Amethyst applauded the president for a minute. Then Garnet spoke from her mouth. “That was a great speech, Mr. President. You truly are a celebrated leader and statesman. But isn’t coronavirus supposed to be a bad thing?”

Trump corrected himself. “Yes, it is a bad thing. It’s bad-- very, very bad. And it’s happening because the border-- nobody knows what the hell is going on down there, okay? We have people from Mexico and from China (two great countries that we have tremendous relationships with) that are pouring across our southern border,  _ illegally _ , and nobody knows who the hell they are or where they’re from! You know, they’re pouring into this country, and I was just talking with the people at ICE, very great people down there, and they said that these ‘bad hombres,’ I call them, ‘bad hombres,’ are bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime, they’re rapists, and you know what else, they’re bringing CoronaVirus, and they’re bringing it bigly. We need to be strong. We need strength. The Do Nothing Democrats want open borders. They want every American man, woman, and child to have tremendous amounts of coronavirus. We need to keep America great, and we need to stop their radical socialist policies.”


	4. Chapter 4

"Well that was a load of shit,” Steven said. “He didn’t tell us anything about coronavirus.”

“He just talked a lot and nothing got done,” said Garnet.

There was a long silence and the three of them looked at each other a lot.

“We’re still voting for him, right?” asked Amethyst.

“Yes,” said Garnet.

“Definitely,” said Steven.


	5. Steven Goes To Freddy Fazbear's Pizza

It was now 3 PM, according to Steven’s Apple iPhone™ and time was running out. Steven needed answers and he needed them now, and the other gems weren’t helping. Luckily, Garnet had left to do lesbian stuff and Pearl was still in her cage. Steven just had to make Amethyst leave.

“Amethyst, leave.” said Steven.

“Make me,” Amethyst replied, eating an orange like an apple.

“Amethyst, **leave**.” said Steven, turning pink.

Amethyst turned into a toilet.

“Amethyst, I will piss in you,” said Steven.

“Why d’you think I turned into a toilet?” smiled Amethyst, her darkly hued toilet seat peering up at Steven. 

“That’s weird,” Steven said. Then he remembered he had an ace up his sleeve. He looked in his sleeve and removed the ace, and it was a gift card for 10% off any large two-topping pizza entree at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza.

“Steven, is that a gift card for 10% off any large two-topping pizza entree at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza?” asked Amethyst, having turned back into her normal form.

“Yeah.”

“Dude that’s ghetto as fuck,” Amethyst said. She took the card and left. “See ya.”

Now Steven was alone and he knew just what to do. He used FaceTime™ to call Connie.

“Steven, I’ve been worried about you,” said Connie, her darkly hued orbs peeing through the phone screen, which was cracked because Steven had dropped it the previous day.

Steven turned pink and his head swelled up. “Yeah. I’m swelling up like crazy. Hey, what if this happened to my d--”

“You don’t think it’s… CORONAVIRUS?!” screeched Connie, making steven turn down the volume. 

“That’s what I’m afraid of. Do you think your mom could hook me up with a test?”

“Yeah, but they closed down the hospital because of coronavirus risk. She’s currently running a clinic in Pirate’s Cove at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza.”

“No. I don’t wanna go there. Amethyst is there right now and I don’t want to talk to her.” But then steven turned pink again and his entire body swelled up so he decided he had to go. 

“Can you drive?” said Connie. “I don’t have a license yet.”

“No. I’d turn pink and then crash the van with you in it. We’re gonna take lion’s mane.” 

Luckily Lars was at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza when they popped out of his head. Lars said hi to the dynamic duo, but they didn’t respond so as not to alert Amethyst, who was grinding up on Freddy’s leg while waiting for her large two-topping pizza entree. By the time they made it to Pirate Cove, Steven looked like a fucking grapefruit. 

“Hello,” said Connie’s mom.

“Da da dum dum dum dum dum dum dum diddly doom doom doom diddly doom,” said Foxy.

“Don’t mind him. He’s just vibing,” said Connie.

“Please test me for coronavirus,” said Steven. 

“No. We only have one test kit left and I’m saving it for myself,” said Connie’s mom.

Suddenly Foxy jumpscared steven. This made steven turn pink and swell up so big he almost caused a power outage, which would have made freddy come and do the music box, which might have resulted in death. “You’re right, this is serious,” agreed Connie’s mom. 

She took out the coronavirus stick. “Just piss on this and it’ll tell you whether you have CoronaVirus.”

“Wait,” Steven said worriedly. “I have to piss on this?”

“You threaten to piss on people all the time,” Connie indicated.

“Yeah, but I’d never actually do it,” Steven said, making the pose where you tap your fingers together shyly.

“We won’t look,” said Connie’s mom.

“Actually, I’d rather you did,” said Steven. He pissed on the coronavirus stick. “Uh oh! It looks like you have coronavirus!” said the stick.

“Steven, you have… coronavirus.” said Connie’s mom, sadly.

“Da da dum dum dum dum dum dum dum diddly doom doom doom diddly doom,” said Foxy.


	6. Here We Are In The Future And It's Wrong

Steven immediately ran back home, which took quite a while because he just ran and didn’t use Lars or Lion or anything. While he ran, he also cried from sadness. At least one of the teardrops landed on a flower and made it turn into Sunflora from the Pokemon™ series of video games. Steven ran so far it almost looked like that one scene from the intro, except he was all alone. When he finally returned to his house, he immediately went to bed, even though it was only 6:00 PM, and used his dreams to broadcast to every TV:

“I’ve come to make an announcement. The citizens of beach city are bitch ass motherfuckers. Come to my house right now for an important town meeting.” Sure enough, by the time Steven woke up, every single citizen of beach city was gathered in the living room, even the ones no one cares about, like Vidalia and Peedee. Even Spinel and the diamonds were there. 

“Sorry I’m late Steven, I was just doing Lesbian Stuff,” said Garnet lesbianly.

“That’s hot. But I’ll tell you what isn’t hot. One of you bastards gave me coronavirus,” he bellowed, nearly quadrupling in size and pinkness.

“I literally haven’t appeared in an episode in years so it wasn’t me,” cried the sad guy from future boy zoltron.

“Wait a minute, schtooball!” said Greg. “I’ve figured out the solution!”

“Oh hi dad, I didn’t know you were here” retorted Steven.

“You didn’t start exhibiting symptoms until after the party yesterday, right? So it must have been someone at the party!”

Steven looked around the room at all the suspects. At first he thought to blame Lars, who was pink, but then he remembered that he had been the one to turn Lars pink all those years ago by crying on him. The off colors probably didn’t have it either, because no one wants to be around them anyway. The cool kids had all been practicing social distancing like the president said to. He would have known if any of the crystal gems had had it. So who was left? Steven couldn’t think of anyone. That is, until he saw Ronaldo’s corpse on the ground.

“Of course,” Steven growled. “That mangy bitch Ronaldo had coronavirus. I must have caught it from him. Even in death, he makes us all miserable.” 

Everyone groaned out of hatred for Ronaldo.

“Wait,” said Amethyst. “If we’re all in the same room as Steven and Ronaldo’s corpse, does that mean we all get coronavirus?”

“Fuck,” said Steven. “Okay, everyone get in the car. We’re going to Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They all died on the way to Freddy Fazbear's Pizza


End file.
